On the Edge

“The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”  ~Mahatma Gandhi

I am weak. Most things are forgivable and I do try to work on being gracious in my daily life. However, some betrayals and choices are flat-out wrong. Some things truly are unforgivable.

I don’t much want to go into the gory details, but I am struggling right now. My anxiety and depression are eating at me. I have the solution for Chapter 16 or so I thought. And here I am. Too damn afraid to sit down and write because I am in turmoil. I am holding the anger because I don’t know how to let go.

This is ironic because I have not talked to my mom (or her husband) since said unforgivable stuff; I can’t lash out at her. So what do I do? I turn the anger inwards and it produces said anxiety and depression. Which I then try to ignore. I’ve mentioned that I don’t always play well with my emotions. I’m trying to avoid how I feel. And it is not working.

What I have gathered from several years worth of therapy is that forgiveness is not about the other person. It is about giving yourself peace. It does not condone the betrayal, but letting it go allows you to breathe easier. I get it intellectually. However, emotionally I am stuck somewhere in childhood; more or less having an internal tantrum. I think my tantrum is uglier, if less noisy than a child’s tantrums though. Most children are done in minutes; mine has been ongoing for years.

And yet, here I am, still unable to forgive my mom(or her husband). I’ve tried, but at this point I am still unable to let it go.

©K. Klein 2012

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Filed under anxiety, forgiveness, health

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