Struggling against the Silence

Writing is a struggle against silence. Carlos Fuentes

My anxiety has been riding me hard for the past week. Some days; especially today that has made it hard to concentrate and get things done. I hate the feeling of being arrested and unable to accomplish anything. When it feels like every task – even finishing the laundry – is too much. I did get the laundry done today, but it feels like I didn’t accomplish much else.

This is so damn frustrating to me. I know I am capable of accomplishing many things. And yet, days like today happen where doing anything feels like an uphill battle against me. Even typing these words is a chore.

I want to write or journal, but it feels like I am in a tank of water and every motion I do takes the extra effort of working against not only the air, but the water too. I don’t want to be silent. I want to be able to speak up. Or write. Or communicate. I want to write – even when it is hard or scary. Perhaps, especially when writing is hard or scary.

I hate this feeling that fear is ruling my life. I want to live my life despite the fear I feel. I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to accomplish things in a day; more than just getting the laundry done and feeling exhausted because it took that much exertion to just start it. So here I am, writing this blog post, trying to work over that feeling of not being able to accomplish anything today.

There is also that voice of doubt in the back of my head. This post is stupid. Why don’t you stop whining? If you post this to the internet people are going to think you are a whiner. You don’t want that, do you? Argh, listen up, doubt – please just shut the fuck up. All right? I am striving against the silence. I am writing despite the uphill battle. I don’t need your help.

©K. Klein 2012



Filed under anxiety, inner critic, writing

6 responses to “Struggling against the Silence

  1. You are NOT a whiner and you are NOT whining. Simple as that. I have an anxiety disorder and I know how hard it is to struggle with fear and constant worrying; it mades everything ten times harder and (in my case) you just get so tired. Last week my anxiety was up pretty bad and all I wanted to do was write something (I think I mentioned it on my blog) but I kept feeling like I didn’t have anything I could give (artistically speaking). You should be proud that you wrote this blog, as hard as it was to probably write. I hope you feel better 😀

  2. This was brave and I congratulate you for managing to connect to your deeper desires – to get beneath the anxiety: even though you could still hear it, you still posted, and that is an achievement too as well as getting your laundry done. I know that anxiety can be tiring – but just as tiring can be how much we berate ourselves for not doing better. It sounds like you gave yourself a really hard time the day you wrote this. Makes me think of how exhausted I used to feel after my teacher would yell at me for not doing better. Be kind to yourself and that way you can conserve a bit more energy. Keep writing – honesty is never whining. Happy Christmas!

    • Thanks! I don’t necessarily feel brave, but it did put a smile on my face when I read your comment. And yeah, the day I wrote this, was pretty hard.

      I am working on being kind to myself. It is so easy to be kind to others, but being nice to myself is hard. However, I have learned that if I don’t take care of myself then I will burn out and not be able to care for the people I love in my life.

      Thanks for the comment and Merry Christmas to you as well. And Happy New Year. 😀

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