Hiding

Books are the quietest and most constant of friends; they are the most accessible and wisest of counselors, and the most patient of teachers.  ~Charles W. Eliot

Whenever I feel sad or depressed or too anxious to function I have a tendency to hide. And looking at my blog and how I haven’t posted for most of January I think it is safe to say that I have been hiding.

When I was in high school, my way to hide included a dark blue sweater with a Mickey Mouse embroidered on the front. I felt a lot like Mia Thermopolis from the Princess Diaries – minus the whole royalty spiel.

For the most part, I have tried to use other more positive coping mechanisms in my life. However, I didn’t realize it until now, but I have fallen back on the hiding technique. It is just easier to pretend nothing is wrong when I pretend I am not there.

There are several reasons I think I went into this mode during January – a lot of overwhelming things have happened.

Firstly, I read a writing blog called Miss Snark’s First Victim run by the lovely Authoress. She ran a Critique Partner Dating Service. I actually put myself out there, which is a challenge for me. I met some lovely people. However, it seems that none of them have clicked. Perhaps there is still some sting from rejection. And sting from an honest critique. (I probably started the novel in the wrong place and my first line wasn’t a hook. Sigh. I suck at writing hooks.)

It isn’t that I don’t want honesty, but the critique killed my creative voice. And the critical voice has been in the forefront since then. I’ve been feeling apathetic and averse to writing since then. I suppose it just means that this person was not my destined critique partner. And that is ok. I wasn’t super nice to them either. Their technical skills were solid, but for me, their character fell flat.

It is interesting, because this ties into something else that I discovered this January. I stumbled into the blogs of Kristine Kathryn Rusch and Dean Wesley Smith. And they have some offbeat advice. In fact, they made me start thinking about writing as a business. And in thinking about it as a business, I started to question my original plan.

Initially, I wanted to get a query together and find an agent. Now that I have read their blogs and thoughts I am definitely considering indie publishing. I am considering a small publishing house or self-publishing e-books. A year ago, this would have been an unimaginable decision for me. Now I am really weighing the cost and benefit of each model of publishing. And the thing that seems clear to me is that indie publishing is perhaps a good launch pad, even if traditional publishing is the goal.

I’m still trying to process all of the information from their blogs. I would strongly suggest that if you are unpublished and don’t know what direction you want to go in to read these blogs because they are definitely thought-provoking.

Furthermore, I have also spent January being a bit anxious about some personal situations. Hopefully this week will bring some highly anticipated news and be a positive start.

©K. Klein 2013

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2 Comments

Filed under anxiety, inner critic, writing

2 responses to “Hiding

  1. I find your writing so calm and clear – which you might sound strange, as I know you’ve been in a difficult place. But I remember the same thing from a post I read last year. This whole publishing thing is a hard one to get my head around. I had a really good agent, from a really good agency, and then just before Christmas I thought I had an epiphany and I wrote to her to say that I wanted us to part ways. Since then it has allowed me to be clearer about my work and I realised (even though I am regretting my act because it sucks not having an agent in a lot of ways) that my focus should be on my writing, and only when I am happy that I have something should I think about the next step. Perhaps it’s my yogs practice that has made me trust that if I put the right mentality into producing a body of work, the rest will reveal itself when that is done.
    ps I hide too 😉 (I’m hiding right now)

    • It sounds sort of strange as my mind can be a chaotic place. But on the other hand, I can’t concentrate to write when I am in the throws of an anxious panic. I suppose part of the calmness and clarity is my self-reflection after such and such thing has happened. I am able to look back and see it more clearly for myself? If that makes sense.

      And wow, it must have been a difficult decision to part with your agent. I understand how confusing it can be. My brother and friends want me to publish, but I keep trying to tell them that I’m not quite there yet. Only now in the past year or so am I feeling anywhere near close to being polished enough to publish a novel.

      Cool, it is neat to meet another writer who enjoys yoga. 😀 And I totally understand hiding. Sometimes it is easier to just curl up into a good book or blog than face and empty page or screen or document.

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